PARTNER :







Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.







When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no



one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,



it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to



finding Mr./Miss. Right!







If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married,



They’ll say: “We’re in love”; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people



make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on



love. Though this may sound “not politically correct”, there’s a



profound truth here.







Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result



of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the



love will come. Let me say it again: “You can’t build a lifetime



relationship on love alone”; You need a lot more!!!







Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about



finding and keeping a life partner.







QUESTION .....1: Do we share a common life purpose?



Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married



for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do



you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog



together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You



need a common life purpose.



Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or



(2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.



To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!



Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.







QUESTION .....2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with



this person?



This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.



Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The



basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won’t



get “punished”; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and



feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone



with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.



Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.







QUESTION .....3: Is he/she a mensch?



A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you



test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a



regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher



of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be



good and do the right”;. So ask about your significant other: What do



they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a



materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character



refinement.



There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who



are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to



seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will



put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know



that before walking down the aisle.







QUESTION .....4: How does he/she treat other people?



The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the



ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person



pleasure.



Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they



wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?



To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people



whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi



drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they



have gratitude and appreciation?



If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them



everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that



someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as



well.







QUESTION .....5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?



An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes



open, and after you marry, close one eye”; Before you get involved and



make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity,



ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to



warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you



can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that



important..







Do you bring out the best in each other?



Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,



compare and control?



What do you bring to the relationship?



Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?



If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life”; you



won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness



or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are



the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.







WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:



1. TRUST



2. COMMUNICATION



3. INTIMACY



4. A SENSE OF HUMOR



5. SHARING TASKS



6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN



7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)



8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS



9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE



10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT



If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.







Regards,

Ram's