"HR S P E A K"

--"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.



--"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.



--"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in heck we'll be the next Microsoft.



--"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.



--"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.



--"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.



--"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.



--"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.



--"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.



--"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions



--"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.



--"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.



--"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.



--"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.



--"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.



--"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.



--"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.



--"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.



--"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.



--"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.



--"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.



--"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.



--"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.



--"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.



--"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.



--"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.



--"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.



--"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.



--"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.



--"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).



--"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.



--"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.



--"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.



--"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual, systemic chaos.



--"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.



--"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.



--"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.



--"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.